People-pleasing, family expectations, and the fear of disappointing others. How can CBT help you enjoy the holidays without feeling responsible for everyone else's happiness?
Thanksgiving is almost here!
For some people, that means looking forward to spending time with family, enjoying a good meal, and catching up with loved ones.
For others? Well, let's just say the holidays can bring a little more stress than excitement!
Have you ever found yourself agreeing to host Thanksgiving even though you're already overwhelmed? Maybe you've committed to attending three different family gatherings because you don't want anyone to feel left out. Or perhaps you're the person everyone counts on to cook, clean, organize, and make sure everything goes smoothly.
And even though you're exhausted, you keep saying YES.
Why?
Because saying no makes you feel guilty.
Sound familiar?
If you've ever felt responsible for keeping everyone else happy during the holidays, I want you to consider something:
What if the pressure you're feeling isn't coming entirely from what other people expect of you, but also from what you're telling yourself you HAVE to do?
Let's talk about that.
Are You Already Feeling the Holiday Pressure?
The holidays have a funny way of bringing out our expectations, especially when it comes to family.
Maybe you've always hosted Thanksgiving, so everyone assumes you'll do it again this year.
Maybe your family expects you to show up for every gathering, even when you're exhausted or would rather spend a quiet evening at home.
Or maybe you're trying so hard to create the "perfect" holiday that you've forgotten you're supposed to enjoy it, too!
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself:
"What do I actually WANT to do this holiday season?"
Not what your parents want. Not what your siblings expect. Not what you've always done.
What do YOU want?
For many people, that's a surprisingly difficult question to answer.
Why? Because we've become so accustomed to considering everyone else's feelings that we sometimes forget to consider our own.
And when we finally think about saying no, here comes the guilt!
Why Does Saying No Make Us Feel So Guilty?
Let's imagine your family asks you to host Thanksgiving this year.
You've had a stressful few months. Work has been demanding, your schedule is packed, and the thought of preparing a holiday meal for 15 people sounds absolutely exhausting.
You want to say no.
But almost immediately, your mind starts racing.
"They're going to be disappointed."
"My family will think I'm selfish."
"I've always hosted. I can't just stop now."
"What kind of person doesn't want to spend Thanksgiving with their family?"
Sound familiar?
Notice something interesting about those statements.
They're thoughts, not necessarily facts.
This is where Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be helpful.
In CBT, we examine how our thoughts influence our emotions and behaviors.
If you believe that saying no makes you selfish, how are you likely to feel?
Guilty. Anxious. Worried.
And what are you likely to do?
Say yes, even when you don't want to!
Now you're hosting Thanksgiving, feeling overwhelmed, and possibly becoming resentful toward the very people you were trying not to disappoint.
See how that works?
The problem isn't necessarily the invitation or the request. Sometimes it's the meaning we've attached to saying no.
What If You Challenged That Thought?
One of the things I love about CBT is that it encourages us to question our thinking rather than automatically accepting every thought as the truth.
Let's go back to our Thanksgiving example.
1. Automatic Thought
"If I tell my family I can't host Thanksgiving, they'll think I don't care about them."
2. Emotional Response
You feel guilty, anxious, and afraid of disappointing your family.
Maybe you even feel selfish for considering your own needs.
3. Challenge the Thought
Now ask yourself a few questions.
Is it really true that not hosting Thanksgiving means I don't care about my family?
Am I assuming I know what everyone else is thinking?
Would I judge someone I love for needing a break?
Is there another way I could contribute without taking on the entire responsibility?
4. Healthier Perspective
"I love my family, but I don't have the energy to host this year. Saying no to hosting doesn't mean I'm saying no to my family. We can celebrate together in another way."
How does that feel compared to the original thought?
Maybe you're still a little uncomfortable. That's okay!
But there's a difference between feeling uncomfortable because you're doing something unfamiliar and feeling guilty because you've actually done something wrong.
Just because you FEEL guilty doesn't mean you ARE guilty.
That's an important distinction.
You Can Love Your Family and Still Have Boundaries
Here's something I want you to remember as we approach the holidays.
You can love your family and still need time for yourself.
You can enjoy spending time with friends and still decline an invitation.
You can be generous without taking responsibility for everything.
And you can care deeply about other people's feelings without making yourself responsible for managing them.
Sometimes we confuse being a good person with being available to everyone, all the time.
But those aren't the same thing.
Healthy relationships have room for boundaries.
In fact, boundaries can help us maintain healthier relationships because they allow us to communicate our needs rather than quietly building frustration and resentment.
Think about it.
Would you rather spend Thanksgiving with someone who genuinely wants to be there or someone who feels obligated to attend and spends the entire day feeling miserable?
Most of us would probably choose the first option!
So why do we sometimes expect something different from ourselves?
What Does Saying No Actually Sound Like?
Now, I know what some of you may be thinking.
"Okay, Dawn, that sounds great. But HOW do I actually say no without upsetting someone?"
Good question!
First, it's important to recognize that you cannot always control how someone else responds.
You can be respectful, thoughtful, and kind, and someone may still feel disappointed.
That doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.
Here are a few examples of what healthy boundaries might sound like during the holidays.
When you're asked to host Thanksgiving:
"I'd love to see everyone, but I'm not able to host this year. Can we make another plan?"
When you're invited to multiple gatherings:
"Thank you for inviting us! We won't be able to make it this time, but I'd love to get together another day."
When everyone expects you to handle the preparations:
"I'm happy to make the main dish, but I'll need everyone else to bring something, too."
When someone asks for an immediate commitment:
"Let me check what we already have planned, and I'll get back to you."
Notice what's missing?
A lengthy explanation. A dozen apologies. An elaborate excuse.
You don't have to convince someone that your boundary is reasonable before you're allowed to have one.
Of course, some situations require more conversation, especially when responsibilities are shared. Setting a healthy boundary doesn't mean ignoring commitments or refusing to compromise.
It means being honest about what you can realistically manage.
And sometimes that starts with giving yourself permission to pause before automatically saying yes.
What If Someone Gets Upset?
This is often the part people struggle with the most.
You finally work up the courage to say no, and someone responds with disappointment.
Maybe they say, "But you always host!"
Or, "I guess we'll just have to figure something else out."
And suddenly, your guilt comes rushing back.
You start second-guessing yourself.
"Maybe I should just do it."
"Was I being selfish?"
"Should I change my mind?"
Before you do, ask yourself:
"Am I changing my decision because it's genuinely what I want, or because I'm uncomfortable with someone else's reaction?"
There's a difference.
You can acknowledge someone's disappointment without immediately abandoning your boundary.
For example:
"I understand this is different from what we've done before, and I know it's disappointing. But I'm not able to host this year."
That's it.
You don't have to turn every disagreement into an argument, and you don't have to take responsibility for making everyone feel happy about your decision.
Remember, other people are allowed to have feelings about your boundaries.
And you're allowed to have boundaries anyway.
Are You Trying to Make the Holidays Perfect?
Let's talk about another common holiday trap: perfectionism.
Have you ever convinced yourself that Thanksgiving has to look a certain way?
The perfect meal. The perfectly decorated table. Everyone getting along. Nobody feeling disappointed.
And if something goes wrong?
You feel like you've failed.
That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself!
In CBT, we often look at all-or-nothing thinking, where we view situations in extremes.
"If I don't make everything perfect, the holiday will be ruined."
But is that really true?
Will Thanksgiving be ruined if you order dessert instead of baking it?
Will your family stop enjoying the day if you ask someone else to bring the side dishes?
Will the holiday be a failure if you decide to keep things simple?
Probably not!
Sometimes we create unnecessary stress by holding ourselves to standards we would never expect someone else to meet.
So this year, instead of asking, "How can I make everything perfect?"
Try asking:
"What would make this holiday enjoyable and manageable for me, too?"
You might be surprised by how much pressure that one question can take away.
A Little Challenge Before Thanksgiving
As we head into the holiday season, I'd like you to try something.
Think about one holiday obligation, invitation, or expectation that's already making you feel stressed.
Now ask yourself these four questions:
1. What am I telling myself I HAVE to do?
Is it truly a responsibility, or is it something I feel obligated to do because I'm afraid of disappointing someone?
2. What am I afraid will happen if I say no?
Am I predicting someone's reaction without knowing how they'll actually respond?
3. What would I tell a friend in this situation?
Would I expect them to exhaust themselves just to keep everyone else happy?
4. What's one healthy boundary I could practice?
Maybe it's asking for help, declining an invitation, sharing responsibilities, or simply taking time to think before committing.
You don't have to change everything at once.
Start small.
And remember, learning to set boundaries is a skill. Like any skill, it takes practice.
This Holiday Season, Remember That YOU Matter, Too!
I want to leave you with one final thought.
The holidays can be a wonderful time for connection, generosity, and togetherness.
But they can also bring up old family patterns, unrealistic expectations, and the pressure to be everything to everyone.
If you recognize yourself in any of these situations, I encourage you to pay attention to the thoughts that show up when you consider saying no.
Are they helping you make healthy decisions?
Or are they keeping you stuck in guilt, anxiety, and people-pleasing?
You don't have to stop caring about other people.
You don't have to become selfish.
And you certainly don't have to turn every holiday invitation into a confrontation!
But you can begin recognizing that your needs, feelings, time, and energy deserve consideration, too.
You can be kind and still say no. You can love your family and still set boundaries. And you can enjoy the holidays without being responsible for making everything perfect.
So, as Thanksgiving approaches, here's my question for you:
What would your holiday look like if you gave yourself permission to enjoy it, too?
Something worth thinking about!
Warmly,
Dawn A. O'Meally, MSW, LCSW-C, P.A.
TEAM-CBT Level 3 Therapist
The Counseling Center for Change
www.tcc4change.com